One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
