I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
