I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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