I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
