what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
