Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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