highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
