I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
