$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
