I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
