So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
