from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
