im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
