The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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