Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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