no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I have aggressive nipples.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
