I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
