My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
