Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
