How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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