SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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