Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
