the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
