God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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