that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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