Swine flu. Run for my life!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
