Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
