Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
