Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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