A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
