respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
