I'm lost and stupid without you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
