she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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