oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
