There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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