hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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