just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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