He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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