omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
