Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
