The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
