God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
