He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We are all done wearing pants today
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
