Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
