my sisters under your porch take her home
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it's like iHOP with fire
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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