he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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