Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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