I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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