my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
did i walk over a car last night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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