Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
