Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
