i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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